My mom is like the mildest of the mildest narcissists, and the most self-sacrificing but I still think she’s a narcissist

She’s super covert and subtle, although her “mask” sometimes slips and she has a freakout where she curses us our kids. Most of her work (the evil work, evil deeds, I mean) is done through “negelect”. Like, she won’t tell me that the golden child has a graduation.
She’ll also do stuff like look at me as if I have killed someone, when I admit a tiny mistake like buying some sugary cereal for kids that my niece then liked (my sister who is a mom gave it to her) — mom was wanting energy, attention, she was envious over the great conversation and flow I was having with my sister, so she just picked something to do that. Most of what she does is compare me to others, and saying through tone of voice how they are much better. I just discovered a site that has a text that describes it so well how she is even though she is a bit milder. https://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html
The main thing is, even if she were not a narcissist, or whatever, even if it’s all in my head: this person seems to singularly eat up my self-esteem and prevent my from learning certain normal things that are a part of normal adult independence.

Archive of parishmiller article https://archive.ph/C542E

The inbetween space

The inbetween space is analogous to a middle path. But it doesn’t have to be in the middle. I mean the middle parth as in Buddhism or Aristoteleanism. The middle path is in a sene an inbetween space. So is the transdisciplinary. The liminal. The border. The boundary. The boundary between walls is an inbetween space. An inbetween space between communism and capitalism is the mixed economy. An inbetween space between rudeness and people pleasing is appropriateness. (People pleasing is pleasing others in a way that is at least not appropriate for yourself. Probably not appropriate for the other either.) One can’t always behave appropriately, and one disagrees with oneself sometimes about what as appropriate, as with others. Social ideals about what is appropriate in some sectors of their variation change from decade to decade. Mostache one decade, not the other. Appropriateness is something far more than only a space—a point—between people pleasing and rudeness. It is what fits. Sometimes what fits does not go into the middle (depending on the system used). Sometimes not driving at the speed limit is appropriate. Somtimes it is. Consciousness about inbetween spaces can make society run much smoother. Less pretend games among humans. More of “hey, we all have these weird inbetween spaces in our lives.”

The bad moderator

The bad moderator will get annoyed—analogous to a person who will act non-porfessionally. Moderating is usually not paid work, but still some of the same ethics apply.

Deep change is a term relatively synonymous with deep influence.

The law of exception

There is no order of difficulty in miracles. One is not “harder” or “bigger” than another. They are all the same. All expressions of love are maximal.
— A Course In Miracles, Chapter 1: The Meaning of Miracles. I. Principles of Miracles

The law of exception and the law of divine possibility, the latter makes the former or the former latter — or they are one and the same law. Some need to conceive of miracles as exceptions? Certainly, possibilities are formed according to a general law, except exceptions which happen according to the law of exception as is divinely possible. The limitlessness of divine possibility requires exception, to quote Schuon verbatim.

The stalking by Roxanne continues.

As does the intrusive behavior, this time (e.g. today) to my public encyclopedia, editing it when she knows I don’t want anything to do with her.

“Detached” parent

She bungled up my youth, and I have to let go of blaming her for that. She is also not very involved in my life as an adult, and is not like normal parents in that she does not talk to me like in lively conversations. She is very closed. She is “detached”, “uninvolved” “emotionally unavailable”, stuff like that. She’s always been like that to me, since I was 9 I guess.  I don’t talk to her much but I guess I might reduce contact with her even more since it’s difficult to be reminded of her not being like normal parents. 

We can have good conversations if I start and maintain the conversation, but that is not normal mother-son relation I feel. Many mothers are interested in the lives of their adult and non-adult children. When she is not showing such interest, it just reminds me of how she should be and I’m not sure I want that in my life, to be reminded of such lack, such a disconnect, such a “not fully being there.”

Events taking place in subjectivity are impossible without objectively happening. It’s just not scientific objectivity. However, since things can move from subjective objectivity into scientific objectivity, Francis Crick could come up with the Double Helix form of DNA in his subjective experience of an LSD trip and move that objective witnessing into scientific record through the social construction of science, the social construction of publishing the idea socially with reference to scientific norms. I.e. he constructed the idea, by writing about it (textual construct) after having witnessed the object in his subjectivity.

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Narcissist

Common error: “Narcissist has no empathy or compassion.”
Actually, narcissists are disturbed in their empathy and compassion which they may have a lot of , which is not the same as having none.

Video game story making

(This is mainly about action games, the rest of gamers can ignore this). To developers:
Some gamers play games a bit more for story, some play them a bit more for gameplay, some play them mostly for story, some play them mostly for gameplay. Some don’t even want any story at all. I’m the type that wants story mostly later in the game after I’ve invested in the gameplay and decided that I like it.
I love a great story but only after I’ve been allowed to play the core gameplay long enough for me to know that this is a game I want to emotionally invest in. I don’t want to spend 30 minutes or 10 minutes learning the story of a character or a world that I then find out I don’t like the game of which it is the story of. I need to know that I like the gameplay first by actually playing the gameplay. I want the feel of the game to seep into me through stunning environments in a way that only 3D worlds can do, by moving through those enviroments as a part of the game. I’ll even put up with mediocre combat like in Skyrim or the first Dungeon Siege if the game’s world is a bowl of gems to explore.

I’ve been playing games since I was 5, that’s 30 years next year. I’ve noticed that story and cutscene takes more and more time of games in general, especially of triple A titles. I love triple A titles because they tend to have the best graphics and graphics are a huge part of the experience for me. But they are bogged down by the incredibly extensive amounts of cutscenes nowadays. Even before you start the game itself. I love the idea of games having near-Hollywood-quality presentation including story and feel, but most games just don’t get there even if they try. A few of them do. Some are even better. But if I wanted to watch a movie I would just do that. If I wanted to read a dialog story I would just do that. As in pick up a book or a Kindle or listen to an audiobook with the hottest sci-fi novel or whatever. I’m not saying don’t make a great story for your games, but I’m playing games for the core gameplay. Please don’t force the story on me before I even get to know the feel of this game (which to me mostly comes through enviroment and gameplay).
If I like the core gameplay I might decide to invest in the story. But I am nowadays wasting my time by skipping through cutscene after cutscene (if they are even skippable), dialog after dialog, before I even know that I like the game. Just put the option there please for gamers who are not spending money on games for story primarily. Or at least introduce the story later in the game. And please by god do not force tutorials on gamers. You kinda get the hang of how games typically work after like 1 year of playing them, what to speak of 10 years or 20 years or (in my case) 30 years. It’s also possible to introduce gameplay elements through the game itself rather than toolboxes, infoboxes, markers, cutscenes, forced tutorials and everything that’s designed to hold your hand like if you never played a game before. Please stop that.

I love games where you have to explore the environment but they keep it interesting and with minimal infoboxes and dialog. Good enemies + good combat + good environment … this is almost all I’m looking for in a game. I’m rarely interested in the story told through anything but the environment as you pass through it (Half-life games do this brilliantly, they have rich story but it’s a part of the environment usually). I’m fine with cutscenes if they are not cliché or ugly, and if they aren’t flooding you and disrupting your gameplay experience too early in the game.
I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but this is how I experience it: Dialog in video games tends to be really bad if you are not a teenager or a kidult. I used to read it all when I was a teenager, but the older I get the more I just skip all dialog in a game until I get invested in the game. Actually, dialog and cutscenes too early in the game, like when I’m not invested in the game yet, ruin much of gaming for me. Games take themselves too seriously in this department. I’m saying this as someone who likes games taking themselves seriously. They just do it in the wrong way. They dump too much story on you too early. If I wanted to watch a movie or read a book I’d do that. I still like story in games, but please build up the story slowly, not with minutes and minutes of people expressing themselves in cliché NPC speak or badly scripted Hollywood imitations. You’re degrading the experience of game after game by filling it with airport-novel tier story writing and icon markers for everything/oversized UI. The solution: make all dialog and cutscenes optional, make your core gameplay fun, make your environment gorgeous, and keep all UI and markers optional. Consider that not all gamers are interested in games for story, or at least not until they have invested emotionally in the game by playing the gameplay itself. Please add the option to be able to skip it all before you even play the game. Don’t make it so that I have to click on skip for every line or every cutscene. Just have an arcade mode with minimal story presentation. If the game is good I’ll check out the story later or enable the story feature. You can also use the environment to tell the story, which I tend to prefer as it doesn’t disrupt the core gameplay in the same way if at all (probably just adds to it).

I love games where you have to explore the environment but they keep it interesting and with minimal infoboxes and dialog. Good enemies + good combat + good environment … this is almost all I’m looking for in a game. I’m rarely interested in the story told through anything but the environment as you pass through it. I’m fine with cutscenes if they are not cliché or ugly, and if they aren’t flooding you and disrupting your gameplay experience early in the game. I know this is going to be an unpopular opinion, but this is how I experience it: Dialog in video games tends to be really bad if you are not a teenager or a 22-year-old. I used to read it all when I was a teenager, but the older I get the more I just skip all dialog in a game until I get invested in the game. Actually, dialog and cutscenes too early in the game, like when I’m not invested in the game yet, ruin much of gaming for me. Games take themselves too seriously in this department. I’m saying this as someone who likes games taking themselves seriously. They just do it in the wrong way. They dump too much story on you too early. If I wanted to watch a movie or read a book I’d do that. I still like story in games, but please build up the story slowly, not with minutes and minutes of people expressing themselves in shit-tier-writing cliché NPC speak. You’re degrading the experience of game after game by filling it with airport-novel tier story writing and icon markers for everything/oversized UI. The solution: make all dialog and cutscenes optional, make your core gameplay fun, make your environment gorgeous, and keep all UI and markers optional. Consider that not all gamers are interested in games for story, or at least not until they have invested emotionally in the game by playing the gameplay itself. Please add the option to be able to skip it all before you even play the game. Don’t make it so that I have to click on skip for every line or every cutscene. Just have an arcade mode with minimal story presentation. If the game is good I’ll check out the story later or enable the story feature. You can also use the environment to tell the story, which I tend to prefer as it doesn’t disrupt the core gameplay in the same way if at all (probably just adds to it).